how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
