In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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