So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
