I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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