dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
