I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
