He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it was like having sex with a tree stump
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
