I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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