Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
