Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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