I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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