ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
