sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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