just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
