Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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