maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i will never coherently bang her
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
