Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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