Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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