YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think I have vodka in my lungs
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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