i think my tv is drunk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
