You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
