Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I touched a dick in church today
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
