I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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