Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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