My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
