Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
