i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Operation Purity has been aborted
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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