I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
FUCK WHALES
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
