Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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