I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
