omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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