i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
