I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
