he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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