i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I need water and some morals
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
