I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
