my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
