I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
