the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
