I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
