i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
