I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
