dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
