and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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