Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
