I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
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Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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