And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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