If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
