cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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