I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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