I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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