watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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