hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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