I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
