First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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