I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
