I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
