I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just google imaged poop.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
