Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
