A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
