so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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